Sighinide

Should I… update this site’s layout or theme? I mean, I chose this theme specifically because it… seemed to force a certain privacy to the proceedings. I mean this IS a diary ofc, and I don’t want just anyone reading it, you know? Well… it’s something to think about. I’ll schedule a visual review of this place for this year I think.

Well, I’ve been watching Netflix. Saw the first half of season 1 of Wednesday. Good show. It’s… interesting. My first impressions of the titular character was that she was very Daria-esque. That’s not a bad thing. I surmised watching Jenna that perhaps Burton’s version of the character in his Addams movies inspired parts of Daria, later on. That would make sense. IDK, it’s an interesting line of thought, no? Maybe that’s where we got Ghost World, too. The graphic novel, I mean.

Speaking of graphic novels… I disappointed myself again last year when I didn’t crack open my Slave Labor Comics archive. Every year around October 1st, I think to myself… I’ll just read them all, in time for Halloween. And then I don’t. This year I started going to the gym around that time and I became obsessed, again, with fitness stuff. Which is good, and healthy, but… still.

I have everything they’ve ever published in PDF form, and I’ve read a decent chunk of it, but not everything I want to, and certainly not everything I felt I would need to, when I procured all of it twenty years ago. I guess I just moved on culturally.

IDK why I’m thinking of this, now. Maybe Wednesday resuscitated a part of me that I thought was buried. Maybe I’m just carnally reacting to Jenna and Emma’s outfits. Or something else.

Well… I guess I can see in the character a reflection of me, so long ago. I remember poring over Poe’s work back in high school. I tried so hard to understand it, and failed so miserably in doing so lol.

Reading his works again, now, I can see what I missed back then. I can hardly believe it. Now it seems so obvious; the meanings, themes and ideas are so plainly presented in his works that his words are like a window into his mind, now. I can see it, what he meant in his stories. Or at least, I think I can. I’m pretty sure I can.

I guess it just takes time. And life experience.

Ah, well. You know, speaking of Halloween, I suppose that I might just go ahead and make a somewhat embarrassing confession about the dramas of last October. I think I may have possibly been played by- yes, my erstwhile wife Laura Marano, and maybe Taylor S as well. You remember all of that ridiculousness of Laura’s IG Live and the fallout from that? Where I ranted and raved, and then stormed off flustered and dejected? Well, during the climax of my little tantrum, I noticed something that I didn’t blog about, earlier: the day after all of this drama with her IG went down, and when I was fuming and at my most confused- somehow, I wound up paying for another year of Disney+.

Like every year, I consider stopping the Disney stuff just to take some time off from it, I guess. And last year I was again sorely tempted to do so, and I may have, had I not forgotten about the autopay on my account and the distraction so… helpfully provided by Laura.

How many series on Disney+ feature the Maranos? There’s like four or something right? Austin and Ally, Switched at Birth, Gargoyles, and I think there’s like another one but I can’t remember it right now. But yeah, IDK.

Weirdly, I remember the other fans on her IG Live marveled at the fact that’s Laura’s EP and Taylor’s album dropped on the same day, like what are the odds right? I seriously don’t get the rest of them sometimes. Do they not understand that the two of them were former labelmates and are likely friends? They probably still don’t realize that Taylor guested “off the books” on at least one of Laura’s songs since then. Like… how do they not know this?

It’s bizarre, honestly.

And yeah, all of this, the IG Live, the songs/albums being released, etc. happened the day before the Disney+ renewal thing, which of course I forgot about in all the relationship nonsense.

And note that I didn’t bring up the Sofia Carson thing, with her surprise guesting on Electric Bloom and all of the drama there, and how that interconnects with all of this. Because honestly, that wouldn’t even be right of me.

So now, here I am, stuck with another year of Disney+. Wonderful.

It’s been really weird, delving into all of this… incomprehensible, bewildering stuff.

To better understand Laura’s career and my relationship with her I’ve taken to downloading weird old texts from internet libraries. On the Internet Archive I noticed a couple of very very old books featuring an Italian writer named “Andrea Marano”. And so help me God these fucking things actually did assist me in understanding some of the weirder parts in Laura’s strange Disney Channel movie Bad Hair Day.

I mean I’ve gone as far as to download ancient books about the Orsinis, the Aldobrandinis, the Medicis and other Papal families to try to “Crack the Code” here and Holy Hell on a stick, I hate to say this, but… these books are in fact helping, or driving me nuts, or maybe both, IDK.

Some thoughts, now… read this or not, IDK honestly. To my eyes Laura looks dead-on as a member of the Italian Medicis, almost like she was cloned directly from Cosimo, but Vanessa doesn’t, she looks more like an Aldobrandini, honestly. I downloaded from Getty some pictures of Princess Olimpia Aldobrandini and I see a striking resemblance between Vanessa in many of her pictures and Olimpia. I have considered before that these two might not be… sister sisters, but perhaps just related-ish. And… there you go, for what this is worth.

Again, this stuff is fucking baffling as hell. Seeing the gears behind his machinery churning, if that is indeed that is what I am seeing, is an ultra impressive sight indeed.

Another fact that has not escaped me- I have seen videos from many years ago and have read “Illuminati Conspiracy” type books made in the 90’s that reference specifically a “Doge”, i.e., supposedly the King of the Black Nobility of the Vatican. John Coleman amongst others talked about this.

Is this “Doge” the same as Elon Musk’s “Doge”? Is that me, or my double? Thoughts to consider.

Wikipedia in places states that both the Medicis and the Aldobrandinis can be thought of as “black nobility” families, along with others of course.

I don’t know, but it does look as though this would explain why people like Laura are just… stuck with me, like this is just what they do, and that they can’t really do anything else. It’s very clear that she was trained and had her life experience tailored specifically to date me.

And it wasn’t just her ofc. But she’s such a pristine example that I can’t help but explain her further.

It’s very clear that her early roles, like her role in Telepathetic, were programs not made for TV ratings, but were created to acclimate her to her future IRL role as my telepathic significant other. Literal On-The-Job training to be the “Doge’s” future wife.

Another example here- Laura’s costar in Gary Unmarried, Kathryn Newton.

It’s all quite astonishing, actually, seeing things from this perspective. Perhaps these shows were not made for ratings, like at all. Maybe money never even entered the equation here, ever.

I wonder if I am correct in assuming that The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea was the chief programming tool that Disney or whomever used on Laura. A few times in AAA she refers to herself as a “mermaid”, and there are references to this in her other roles as well.

You know- I could take this in a whole bunch of other directions, if I wanted. Wikipedia tells me that the original Princess Olimpia Aldobrandini (so not the modern one, I mean the first medieval one) had an official title of Princess of Rossano. I wonder if “Ross” in AAA is a reference to this or something similar, kind of like how “Jack” in Olivia Holt’s Kickin’ It is a likely reference to Jack Holt. And Instagram fan accounts of Laura mention that she used to fake-date in IRL some guy similarly named “Ross”, eye-rollingly (I mean jfc, at least pick a different name lol).

IDK about the “Ross” thing, tho, lol. IMDB tells me that in a new movie Vanessa is going to be playing a chick named, hilariously, “Lily Hale”, which is a wonderfully obtuse Frankenstein’s monster amalgamation of the names “Lily Collins” and “Lucy Hale”. They’re getting VERY on the nose with this stuff.

Other random things… been listening to techno lately. Hardstyle, real hands-up stuff. Does anyone else wish this kind of music would make a comeback? Are there even candy ravers anymore? Honestly, probably not, and that’s a shame TBH.

Other stuff… Honestly I don’t even want to think about how this Laura stuff might fit in with the upcoming Olympics in, of all places, Milano Cortina. I mean I literally just don’t, so I won’t.

Other stuff… Well not much honestly, though looking at this, it’s actually not the date in the title anymore lol, so maybe I should hit publish lol. I’m not really going to proof this, it’s literally past midnight, so…

k

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IDK, I guess since everyone wants me to blog I might as well, so…

Not really much has changed in the usual, humdrum world of my exercise habits. Yeah, I think I’ll blog about this because it’s so harmless lol.

Still doing Pilates.

Yup.

What has changed is that I’ve spent quite a bit of time this year and last in a local gym, mostly taking classes and doing other gym-stuff, like swimming, walking, exercise-machining, etc. You know, the usual.

I was right about my Pilates talent. I’m really, really good at that stuff and taking the classes confirmed it. They have also taught me a few new tricks and exercises that I took home and worked on. I’m quite a lot stronger than I was the last time I blogged about this stuff. I mean, like a lot stronger, honestly. It’s pretty fun to do this.

My gym membership runs out around the first of the year next year, so about in two weeks. I might return next winter, IDK. But I guess the plan is to perfect the new exercises I’ve learned there over the course of the next 9 months, which should be easy. I’ve got a few dozens of new good ones, including calisthenics, isometric and barre exercises that I will need to really hit on top of everything I’ve already done and learned.

I really learned how to do a lot of weird/interesting exercise things over the course of the last couple of years. I think I’ve basically mastered breathing and facial/eye/neck exercises, in addition to… idk, exercising all the weird, small muscles in my core. I mean I do things like kegel exercises, pelvic exercises, and deep abdominal work etc. I’ve also learned to fully exercise things like my fingers, toes and ankles, for what that’s worth.

A lot of this was done for purposes of fun, honestly. I just found it amusing to see all of the stuff I could do and learn. But I suppose it’s also likely useful for health reasons.

I still haven’t gotten around to mastering push-ups, tho. Just not as “fun” I guess. Pilates and Barre are just… entertaining, and there’s always more stuff to learn about them.

Speaking of Barre, some of that can be *very* difficult. Barre classes have taught me a new level of respect for my girlfriends for sure, since so many of them have backgrounds in ballet. Honestly it’s been quite eye opening. The amount of endurance, flexibility and balance that is needed to really get good at barre, let alone ballet, is substantial. Not many people could do these things. I have to say it’s pretty neat that I can hang with that crowd lol. It’s something of a rarified status, lmao.

But srsly, that stuff is for real. It’s difficult but very very awesome. It’s enjoyable AF. I marvel at that fact that no men (seriously, like none) seem to take Barre or Pilates seriously. They should IMO.

I’ve taken a couple dozen yoga classes and they’re good, but not quite my “thing” oddly enough. Maybe I’ll grow into yoga with time. We’ll see.

My meditation practices continue as they do. I’m better now than I was before etc. The usual. I don’t do meditation to impress people, I do it because I guess it helps me internally. I certainly feel better- more grounded- afterwards. Happier, even. And combining meditation with my array of breathing exercises, Kegels and Myofacial release work creates a kind of personal heaven. Very uplifting. I’ve even invented a light kind of core exercising that I call “Mini-Pilates” that I sometimes do that is very nice as a stress reliever.

I’ve also learned a good 50 or so calisthenics/aerobics dumbbell moves over the past three years or so that I’ve added to my routines which are amazing.

So yeah, I’m wayyy stronger than I used to be which is very nice I guess, though it truthfully wasn’t my aim with all of this.

Every year I think… OK, by *next* Christmas, I’ll have mastered pushups, but then I get distracted and go off and learn something else instead. I mean, toe exercises? Why not, right? IDK, maybe pushups are just really boring lol. I mean it’s not like it really matters, right? It’s on the hobby to-do list but… yeah IDK. We’ll see how I feel over the summer months I guess, after I’ve finished upgrading my Pilates routine yet again, for the dozenth time, with the new moves I learned in my classes over the past 3 months.

I mean, does it even matter? What’s the point at this point, even? IDK, I guess I should because apparently they’re a good exercise, but… they’re just so *samey*. And stiff, I guess? But maybe that’s my fault, somehow? IDK, everyone else seems to love them, so…

I’ve been reading online about how they can help with heart health, so maybe that’s a reason. You need a good heart to do Barre and Pilates, right? So, there you go.

No, I don’t have a “Six-Pack”, lol. Though truthfully I was again considering going for one, since that can only help with everything. Maybe next year, then. We’ll see.

I guess that at a certain point I’ll need to figure out where I’m going with this. I mean, Barre is NOT a common hobby amongst Mid-40’s men, especially in the suburban Midwest. It’s definitely odd, and possibly actually unique the way it’s looking to me right now. In a way, it’s almost as if my girlfriends pushed (?) me into this with all of their ballet stuff that they themselves introduced me to back in the day. It’s like… I have so much of that stuff, that there it is.

IDK, maybe not. It’s not like anyone held a gun to my head and told me to master plié squats lol. But here I am. Maybe it’s like… a mutual thing? Birds of a feather, that is. I mean SO MANY of them have this in their past ofc.

Years ago I noticed that one of my old exes, former Disney chick Anna Margaret, now apparently owns a Pilates studio. Interesting, no?

Huh.

Well, maybe I do need to blog more. So here.

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Well, another Trick or Treat is down the hatch. Some thoughts…

Not much has changed. Not much really does, at least on a year-by-year basis.

The costumes are all roughly the same as they were the year before ofc, and the same as the year before that. There was a lot of Disney, I noticed… natch. One girl dressed up as Princess Sofia the First. That was cute. Another girl was Jasmine. There were a few Elsas, one Anna.

Some Harry Potter characters were sprinkled amongst the kids. A Dumbledore here, a Snape there. This year I noticed an Enid Sinclair- a first. There was a Mario and a Luigi pair, of course. There has been one of those for Halloween every year in this town for probably the last forty years.

There was a dinosaur, and… some other stuff, there was a Riddler costume that I liked. You don’t see many of those. Oddly enough I didn’t see one Batman, now that I think about it. Weird, that. Maybe I did and it just didn’t register, like… oh yeah, Batman, like, it’s Halloween, why wouldn’t a kid be dressed up as Batman? It would be like seeing a man dressed in jeans and a T-shirt at Walmart. So… yeah. *Shrug*.

One Pennywise that was well done, a pretty good Jason, some assorted zombies and vampires etc. and it was a very typical Halloween, a lot of fun etc.

Of the lot of kids I suppose the most popular category of costume would be “fairy princess”, alongside “undead thing”.

I noticed an uptick in the werewolves this year. Is that b/c of Enid? I wonder. I didn’t count them in the “undead thing” category BTW.

Other stuff… well there really isn’t much else to say, except to again contrast the Halloween of <current year> with those of my own youth. Leaving aside other aspect of the Holiday like movies (which can be seen at any time, really) the Trick or Treat experience really is profoundly different, or at least it is where I live.

These days you need a parent to chaperone kids around, believe it or not. Back in the day that would have been unheard of, almost baffling. The adults plan actual routes for the kids and almost all of the costumes are off the shelf. The hours are defined, and posted online even. It’s a very… packaged experience.

Halloween back then was… different. Adults didn’t accompany anyone, at least when we did it. Routes weren’t planned (or at least, not well, lol). Kids just kind of wandered and hoped that the older kids in the group knew where they were going and had some idea of what to do. This… was not always for the best. I did notice a distinct lack of crying amongst the youngest kids tonight. IDK, maybe having adults along isn’t so bad lol.

It also ends before it gets dark dark outside, which it didn’t used to- you used to have to eat dinner first and then go out, and by God, by then it was pitch black outside and cold as hell, and you couldn’t see anything, you were tired and starting to see things, blah.

Yeah I think that’s kind of it, the issue with Trick of Treating today, if there is one, is the distinct lack of… creepiness?

I mean not that I could feel that, considering my present chronological situation of being middle aged, but still.

In my “friend” group back in the day I was near the middle of the pack age wise. Older than me were a few hardened Gen X-ers who didn’t give a fuck about the dumb little kids who would routinely hold up the pack simply because they couldn’t keep up. Honestly I would feel sorry for them, but I guess we were all in that place at one point. I guess I was, although I don’t remember it.

What I do remember are the stories that the older kids used to tell the littler ones about the horrors that waited for them in those weird little shacks that were wayyyyyy off the beaten path. You know those houses- those odd little shanties that you can tell have people living there, but you can’t tell who is living there or why people are living there? Those places.

Stories about the owners of those places being forced to live in them because they used to eat children etc. Obvious nonsense but in the right context and with no adults present it can scare 6 year olds for sure. In cases like this it isn’t the Halloween decorations that are scary, but the *lack of* decorations, or frankly sentience, that is scary. Never had much luck with these places candy wise, and that’s probably for the best. Honestly should have left well enough alone TBH.

The candy is all very… samey, too. I stole quick glances in the bags as I deposited my offerings. It was all the famous stuff- Snickers, M&Ms, uh, you know, the famous stuff, back when I was a kid there was all of that and then there was… other stuff, IDK what it even was, but I would get odd things, candy stuff I couldn’t identify TBH, literally candy objects without names and dates or any identifying information whatsoever, and I’d put that stuff into a little pile afterwards and I’d be like… WTF is this? Am I brave enough to… eat(?)… this?

Sometimes I’d get cookies, like, actual cookies, in little bags, or loose apples (!) or… yeah, weird stuff, other things, odd things. Things like bits of scripture from Christian households, etc. The houses that gave out scripture used to get pelted with eggs as punishment lol. The ones that refused to give out candy / whatever would get TPed as punishment.

Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single Halloween in which a house (or multiple houses) in our town wasn’t punished for not adhering to the “rules” of Trick or Treating as set forth by my friends. This year while handing out candy I was thinking… that rule for requiring parents to be present at all times- was that in response to us? Well… *Shrug*.

Honestly, looking back, we were kind of terrible. I distinctly remember houses that were away on vacation desperately trying to offer us an olive branch by leaving us a vat of candy anyways, in the hopes that that would deter some unnecessary wrath. That was a smart move; I remember it working, but man, I ended up with a LOT of Snickers one year. I remember some puzzled looks from the parentals, yes, but other than that, everything seemed to go well.

Ah, what fun. Halloween, what a holiday!

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A few weeks in and STARZ is not disappointing me, not at all, certainly not for a dollar a month.

I’m allllll for STARZ at this price.

The other day I watched a Mexican take on The Wizard of Oz starring Twitch streamer Jenn McAllister. Holy shit, lol!!!!! And TBH it wasn’t quite as bad as you might think it as being, either! I mean it was no masterpiece- far from it- but… yeah, I watched it! It was there! And I saw it. Yup.

Mmmmn hmmmn.

I noticed that this month STARZ features- get this- not one but TWO films starring none other than Dallas Lovato! Yes, they are the only streaming service on the planet to boast this unique feature I bet. Literally; you can check this out for yourself- if you DARE.

I considered the other day grabbing some popcorn and giving myself an evening to remember with a Dallas Lovato double header, just to say that I had, in fact, done so. Would I be the only person in history- save for perhaps those within the Lovato family itself- to have accomplished this? Who knows!

Love it! All this fun, for a mere buck a month? Hell yes!

Other nonsense…

I noticed some Chinese CGI comedy films about some random ass polar bears? Those are defo going in the cue lmao.

Yes I COULD just watch Tom Cruise movies like 99% of the rest of humanity, yes, I know. But I’m not IN the 99%, am I? I’m “different” and I fully intend to act like it God Damn it.

This platform is saturated with Blaxploitation (ok, literally literally, WordPress wants me to capitalize that lol) garbage and fine, fuck it lol. This is forreal just entertaining so what the fuck lol.

There are some gems here tho. I watched the second Snow Queen movie with Bella Thorne and surprise! It was good! It was in fact better than the first (?), tho TBH I saw that one a looooooooong time ago so I don’t remember much of it honestly.

Well, whatever.

Fuck it, I’m bored AF already.

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One last thought, before bed… yeah I do realize the supreme irony of me shielding Kenzi from my Tom The Vampire Twitter Profile, since her show, Vampirina: Teenage Vampire, was practically ripped from it’s still beating heart, but- this stuff doesn’t need to make “sense” I guess, lol.

Nurture before nature?

Yesh.

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How did I… get here?

As in, how did I end up, here, the darling of the Disney set?

Twenty years ago I was spinning Anal Cunt albums and discussing Burzum’s philosophies, such as they were, on weird underground metal boards. I still have a copy of Vargsmal on PDF form on one of my externals I’m sure.

So…. what happened?

How the fuck did I end up here?

At least when Seth Putnam, Infernus or Count Grishnackh poked fun at me (and believe me, they did) it seemed to carry a kind of inherent equality to it owing to our similar demographic circumstances. Nowadays there’s always a slight and unavoidable edge to it owing to the difference in economic status, if not internet, ah, “status”.

But like… that’s neither here nor there, right? I mean, how did I get… HERE?

I mean it’s kinda mindblowing innit?

I mean it’s not bad, it’s not, but… it’s kinda bewildering, I guess.

I mean… IDK TBH.

*Scratches head*

I did notice that I’m one of the few people allowed to DM Disney stars irrespective of their age, interestingly enough. I believe that that is because I consciously decided to make my Instagram “clean” and positive to a fault. I like the Ying/Yang effect of having a TomTheVampire Twitter that links back here and a TomJacobsen80 Instagram that, I guess, will link to a Threads that will undoubtably be irreverent and positive (if not nurturing).

I plan to continue to use my Insta (if I can keep it, looking at you, Meta AI!) to broaden and nurture my relationships with my younger GFs like Julia and Kenzi, etc., who are apparently all about the idea. They didn’t take much convincing, honestly. Once they saw who I was, wow…..

Freya Skye practically tripped over herself once I started following her, and, if I’m not mistaken, actually apologized to me for Meta AI removing my comment of a green heart emoji. It’s a long story and a while ago and it’s late, so… yeah.

I think it’s like… IDK, people want to be the next Laura, I think. Or the next Meg. Or something. I don’t want to talk about Laura anymore rn honestly, it’s so much bigger than what I’ve even discussed, she literally dumped her whole million+ Spotify fanbase for me and Christ… yeah. And the problem isn’t with her at all, and that’s the real problem, and the real reason I’m typing all of the stupid nonsense instead of going to fucking bed. I fucked up, not her. Like… for once, it was my mistake, not the girls’ even by my own arguably convoluted rules, and that’s like… UNBEARABLE, lolllllll.

Like, ugh. What happens when you can’t find fault? You run away, that’s what! You run away, and… that’s that.

You know what I’ll do? I’ll join the Jules LeBlanc fandom! I’ll comment on her YTs and stuff and that’s that.

It wasn’t my fault, it was those little quantum particles, those little thingies that are like smaller than like quarks or something? They were out of alignment or something? Yeah that was the problem I swear!

I think I’ll stop typing now lol

Yeah, re-reading this- I’m definitely the kind of writer that begs for an editor lol

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Well, I’m back.

And I’ve had some time to think.

I think I need flesh out my profile a bit in the “me” dept. I mean, the pics and such.

That, I will do. And… IDK, I guess I was too focused on… commenting? Which I what I do? I don’t know, I mean, that’s what the site is? LOL.

Reading the Instagram Reddit, it’s like… yeah, that’s what the site is, right? A place to look at celebrity pictures, a place to comment on celebrity stuff, etc. I mean, it’s not a place for, IDK, storage for whatever it is your doing for yourself, I mean, certainly not if you want to keep that stuff, b/c Insta can and will delete that shit on a whim, know what I mean?

See my earlier revelation about being punished for commenting a green heart to Freya Skye. Seriously… wut? And now it’s like… I get a schoolmarm-ish warning whenever I log in on my phone to comment on something, telling me to “treat other people with respect” yadda yadda because their AI is just… dumb, and apparently mischaracterized the heart as something else? Jeezus H Christ. Maybe it also misinterpreted some of my jokes, took them literally or something, or misunderstood them. That is always a problem with these things.

IDK it’s like… I’m still kinda getting used to the platform. In a lot of ways it has the problems of “old twitter”. Like… the celebs are there, and they tend to stomp on things, even when not intending to. It’s like the old adage, “When the elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers”.

On a famous public profile like say Seventeen that is well known and well trafficked comments can get a lot of traction. I can post a comment on a random Jenna Ortega or Emma Myers picture there and easily get, say, a couple hundred likes. I just need to be clever and positive. Play to the masses.

On a celeb account, especially on an established celebrity’s account, not a chance. I can post the wittiest comment ever and come up with nothing. The reason being ofc is that the mega-celebs comment on each other’s posts, which annihilates everyone else’s comments, no matter how good, insightful, or funny.

Case in point- I was one of the first to comment on Olivia Holt’s post where she announced her third season of Cruel Summer. I had a smart comment- it was funny, clever, and poignant, and it was something to the effect of it being the “Cruelest Summer” or something somesuch, I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was pretty good, but immediately after or before I hit post, I saw that Laura Marano posted something… IDK, boilerplate supportive of Olivia, and BAM, Laura’s comment was slammed instantly with 5000 likes (!!!!!!) and the entire comment feed was filled instantly in real time with same-y comments I swear to God within minutes. I swear to fucking God I watched this unfold with my own fucking eyes; it was God Damn surreal.

I was NOT one of those who liked her comment BTW.

So ofc Laura’s comment stayed lodged at the top, all of those comments similar to hers crowded around hers there, and the rest dropped to the bottom, where mine was.

Well… it was… as expected, ofc. That’s what this culture is. The celebrity playground is their playground. I mean… it’s ok, that’s what this is.

The difference is obvious. The Seventeen Instagram feed is a popular celebrity style profile but the celebrities themselves do not post on it. Therefore, I can get noticed. I can let my words fly, and take my time and curate my message without having to worry about hearing the tramping of a giant like Jules LeBlanc or Dove Cameron behind me.

Speaking of Laura… still kinda thinking about… that incident.

Still kinda embarrassed.

I wish I could take it all back. Is that dumb? Because it honestly is, and I know that it is, and I realize that it’s just the symbolism of the moment that is the problem, but still.

I just wish I didn’t love her so much, honestly. I mean, THAT is the sticking point here. It hurts, having a girlfriend I can’t talk to, and I know that this fact hurts her too, and this hurts me further in turn. It’s a never ending cycle of… I don’t want to say bad things because they aren’t, but things that maybe are a little hurtful sometimes?

I felt a little out of place during the IG Live. I did notice that I think I was the only guy there, and maybe (probably) the only Gen X’er. I mean… that’s OK. But everyone else there looked like they knew each other probably for decades and probably grew up using Instagram, and there was me, struggling with basic functions. I mean I belong there, I’m sure I do, I just… need time to think.

I did have some fun with the Disney Channel Insta today, just to clear the palate. That was… refreshing. Maybe I’ll stick with the current regimen.

I’m reeeeeeally tired. Not proofing this.

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Just to follow up on the few thoughts earlier:

I decided to unfollow all the Laura accounts, and Vanessa too, because I reeeeeally can’t deal with this right now, b/c I have things going on, things that are more important, and, frankly, it’s like… I just can’t deal with the reality of that being the only IRL (i.e. face-to-…face (ish(?))) interaction with her I’ll ever have, lol.

IDK, I mean… it’s like… I’ve had so many social media interactions with celebs that were really good, lol. Likes and stuff, I mean. And I know this is very shallow but… I’ve gotten many likes from Kathryn Newton and had a shedload of great interactions with Meg Donnelly, I mean I singlehandedly got her back and posting on twitter (I mean, almost singlehandedly, but- you catch my drift) and aside from those incredibly epic twitter sprees during her two Cinderella Story playthroughs (which I wonder if she even remembers frankly) I’m not sure if we ever connected. Or maybe… we did, and I’m forgetting? Maybe I’m forgetting.

IDK.

But… it’s like… you know?

I don’t know.

Well… I have to go back to real life, and that kind of… sucks?

Ugh. But real life isn’t even real life- not anymore? I mean, now that we’re all transhuman cyborgs? Christ, what the fuck?

It boggles the mind, frankly, that someone who has been so connected with so many people with SO MUCH power and financial resource would be so, I don’t know, isolated. And- destitute, technically? Or, at least, in proportion?

Not being an idiot, I am of course well aware that these people are wealthy. No need to elaborate further.

But like… Jeezus. What the fuck? I mean I’m not begging on the streets but man, what is the mechanism to get them to toss me a bone or something? Is there one? I don’t understand, genuinely.

Maybe that’s the lesson, here. Turn inward?

Or is that just running away?

Fuck, I don’t know. Seriously, I have no idea, like at all.

My Disney+ is coming up for renewal soon and I’m debating cutting it this time. Too much money. Maybe I’ll renew over the summer, I don’t know. I mean… it’s just… damn, I don’t know. This stuff occupies sooo much of my headspace, you know? Like wayyyyyyy too much. Way, way too much. Maybe I would feel better, freer, happier without it hanging over me like some kind of everpresent guillotine.

It’s just… it feels like “work”, rather than “fun” if I’m being honest. Like life has become inverted somehow, weirdly.

It’s just…… toooooooooo much

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Oof, well, there’s good things and bad.

Well… TBH, this is a BIG topic, so let’s narrow it down a little: let’s make this: a few thoughts on MY Instagram, as in, my Instagram Profile. My new one.

Some initial thoughts: There’s a LOT of bots. A LOT. I swear AT LEAST 80% of the “people” who like my posts / comments are bots, though I don’t check each one (any) of course. But still. Wow. Also, the same with the people who respond, especially those who are critical. I saw an account who was harshly critical of a comment I wrote once. Intrigued, I checked it out, to find that it was critical in a similar way of every single comment left for that picture, and there were hundreds. Huh. I guess it was a bot; I returned later to find out the comments were gone. What was the point? The mind boggles.

I got my account warned for commenting a green heart to a celebrity; I think it was Freya Skye. Lord knows why. I think the AI found something offensive about it. I can’t imagine a person reported it for some reason, altho I can’t rule out a prankster, but still, why would the system find that offensive regardless and rule in their favor? The mind boggles. Are green hearts offensive and red ones not so for celebs in certain demographics? Seriously, what the fuck? And yeah, that’s all it was. A single, solitary green heart emoji. No text, nothing else. WTF? In their message to me Instagram said that “other cultures” might find certain things sensitive, so take that into consideration, etc. but… yeah. Seriously. WTF?

Well, the big vent… today, Laura Marano had an Insta Live on her Team Laura Profile. It… didn’t go well, at least for me. My app being new, I had certain permissions turned off. And, my app being new, I was unaware of what a “Team” event entailed, and, at one point, I was invited to speak (!) which ordinarily would have been fine, except refer to the earlier part of this paragraph, where I mentioned that my permissions were askew, and… yeah. Things did NOT go well, and I made a colossal mess of everything, and afterwards had a horrible ugly mental meltdown in the shower and etc. etc. you know, the way things typically go in such cases. It’s like… OBVIOUSLY this would happen ofc, I mean, why WOULDN’T it, right? That’s literally the way things go, right? You would need to be living in some utopia to not expect this because a) this is me we’re talking about b) I’m new to Insta and all of these other people are not and c) bad luck and me are old friends anyways, older than anyone else at this point TBH.

So it was a total, complete and utter clusterfuck of a disaster and I tried to save face as best I could (and, to my credit, I vaguely did), but afterward, I thought to myself, WHY am I doing this? I mean, like, haven’t I done enough? Seriously? With all that I’ve done, haven’t I done enough already?

IDK, maybe I have. I guess we’ll see.

But it’s like… this whole disaster brought forth the whole problem with the platform. It’s designed from the ground up these days for people to simp for celebs and rich people. I hate to say it but it’s soooooo true. It’s for us to beg beg beg for table scraps and FEED THE AI and PAY FOR PREMIUM and WATCH THE ADS and BUY MY PRODUCT and God I just feel so… mortified, and used, and ugly, and… sad, and… worthless, IDK, in the face of all these perfect people and all their perfect lives and perfect careers and perfect mansions and perfect… everythings. Nothing goes wrong for them; they never ever make a mistake.

It’s just so damn humiliating.

Social media was mistake.

I really need a break from this stuff.

At any rate, I would be so so sad if that was like… my one chance to talk to Laura IRL, even if superficially, and I just… fumbled it bigtime, and in the most embarrassing way possible.

Christ, that would fucking suck.

Why even bother, then.

I REALLY need someone to talk to IRL about this stuff. That is the hurdle, here, methinks. That is the big stumbling block, and the reason I cannot progress.

I mean, or do anything, really.

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Well, I have an Instagram.

This week, while scrolling, I was offered a deal I couldn’t refuse: one year of STARZ for a dollar a month, so twelve bucks for an annual membership.

I signed up; I figured it was a good deal. I had an old credit card that I needed to use anyways or I was going to lose it, so…

Besides, a couple of years ago STARZ offered up a free weekend (week?) and I caught the first couple of eps of High Town and I was intrigued, so I thought I might watch the rest. Twelve dollars seemed like a good deal. And I wanted to finish up that Now Apocalypse thing with Kelli I guess.

So… I jumped in.

Hmmmn. Wait… wut?

Sooooo… High Town isn’t there for some reason- IDK why- apparently it’s Netflix now. Now Apocalypse is… Tubi? Forreal? WTF?!? Heels is also Netflix? Oh… Hmmn… ok… Well… yeah. Well… White Queen I saw the first ep of and I liked, I’ll watch that. Seriously tho, I will say that there is a distinct lack of stuff on the platform here.

Disney+ gets a lot of flack for it’s lack of content, but the issue seems more acute with STARZ; however, in defense of STARZ, the prices there are far far more reasonable. 12 dollars for a year’s subscription in 1080p is more than reasonable for what is on the offer. In fact it is downright generous.

But I mean… the content is a bit… uh, sparing, and I suppose it would help A LOT if you were a new subscriber like myself.

Some thoughts…

There is, um, a “Wu-Tang” Collection. I did not expect this, to say the least. Headlining it is something called The Man with the Iron Fists, both written by and starring RZA. I have no idea what this is. There are seven movies in this collection! (Insert mind blown gif here) I note here that this movie also stars Russell Crowe. I will at this point mention that Russell Crowe starred in the film Boy Erased with Lucas Hedges, and that Lucas Hedges was in not one, not two, but three movies with erstwhile girlfriend Kathryn Newton. In a verrrrry broad and odd manner of speaking, this makes Kathryn a crab- step away from being in the Wu-Tang Collection herself, from a certain point of view. RZA, GZA, Ol’ Dirty Bastard and… Kathryn Love Newton?

Stranger things have happened, I guess.

But not many, lol.

Seriously though, don’t do this guys, I’m literally just making a funny, this would be stupid AF, OK?

Other dumb crap- the Westerns, which aren’t dumb, they are entertaining as hell, and also vaguely depressing for very personal reasons.

Most especially, I like the ones featuring Alfred “Lash” LaRue, which were interestingly the movies that my mom liked the most when she was a kid. They’re exciting, action-packed, and… short, with all of the ones I’ve found being less than an hour in length. I wonder if these were made with TV in mind.

Many of these on STARZ co-star Jennifer Holt, a very beautiful girl which looks, sadly, depressingly like my erstwhile girlfriend Olivia Holt (I know, bipolar much? But still). My mom, being a fan of LaRue, was a fan of Jennifer too ofc. I hesitate to ask her if she was a fan of Hollywood legends Jack Holt or Tim Holt. She probably was a fan of both in some capacity.

I know that I was a fan of Gary Holt of Exodus and Slayer fame when I was younger.

Relations? I couldn’t prove it. Is it a coincidence that Olivia’s co-star in Kickin’ It! was named Jack? The character, I mean, not the actor. Jack Holt was a HUGE name in the Golden Age of Hollywood- look at his resume, it’s as long as anyone’s arm.

But like… man, I can feel it, tho. It’s the same energy, etc. I could see it. It was kinda creepy, honestly. This stuff is like… vaguely… I don’t even know. I mean, I don’t.

The same narrative beats, too. The things Jennifer’s characters do are the things Olivia’s characters do, too. It’s uncanny. I mean, the trappings are different- the vehicles are different; it’s stagecoaches and not cars, but the behaviors are the same. Hmmn.

I see on Insta today that Olivia is making fun of me. Um, thanks.

OK, BREAK TIME. Ye Gods people.

Alright I’m back.

Other STARZ stuff…

There’s a lot of… oddities here and that’s not a bad thing. I like peering into the corners of places, and that’s part of why I like Tubi so much- it has a lot of corners. In the kids section there’s this… Snow White movie, I mean, there’s the Lily Collins one, yes, but there’s also another one, an animated one, from 2009, that’s apparently a sequel? And the animation looks jankier than what you would get from a middling PC game from the late 90’s. I am TOTALLY checking that out. Forreal. And there’s this 3D CGI movie about Ants in space from… 2008? WITHOUT the 3D effect? With NO PEOPLE listed under the actors tab in the summary? Oh that is my fucking JAM motherfuckers!

Speaking of the 90’s trainwreck factor, I noticed in the “Trending Now” section of the app- and you can literally verify this for yourself- there is, I shit you not- an entry for fucking CB4. Yes, CB4. In the Trending Now section. CB4. I forgot this movie even existed, and yet, there it is.

Until this very moment when it has reappeared on STARZ, CB4‘s claim to fame was that back in the mid 90’s, it was the Gurnee IL Blockbuster’s 3rd most popular VHS tape featuring Chris Rock. Yeah, that’s it, that’s all CB4 has ever done or been known for.

Unbelievably and against all odds, I actually remember that fucking tape because I used to see it every. single. week. at the local video store. It would sit there, unrented, just… I don’t know, waiting, I guess, for the store to close, or maybe for the VHS format to die, I don’t know, but I would pass that thing every single time I would walk through the fucking store and it would ALWAYS be there, sometimes I would see people pick it up and look at it, only to put it back on the shelf, sometimes I would pick it up and put it back on the shelf, but it would never, EVER, move from it’s spot, save only for mere seconds, and only spatially in centimeters.

I mean it was ALWAYS there.

I don’t know, the fact that this movie could be trending TODAY on a streaming platform just… boggles my mind. Like I literally cannot fathom how this could even be happening. Even by the standards of Chris Rock’s meager resume CB4 cannot be his best work, right? I mean, … wait, how/ why am I even talking about this, honestly?

To harken back to an earlier topic- the Wu-Tang thing, The Man with the Iron Fists– I don’t begrudge struggling actors a chance to work, but seriously, this project looks like a dollar store version of Marvel’s Iron Fist, which was by many accounts a cheaper version of Marvel prestige projects.

Appears, ofc. I have seen neither movie.

But… holy shit, lol. IDK, maybe I should check to see which movie was created first, but… nah. I’m getting bored of writing about this, honestly.

I guess the main takeaway here is that I can see again the clear delineation between my girlfriends’ pedigree and… everyone else’s. It’s like… the dividing line is obvious. My girlfriends- and by extension, their families, those associated with their families, are the ones on top, and the rest are on varying degrees and steps beneath, scrambling to create associations where they can, apparently.

Not sure I’ll bother proofing this, too bored honestly

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